This is Goodbye
by loonie lupin
Summary: /one-shot/Danny writes a letter to Mac. Inspired by knowing me knowing from ABBA


**Title: **This is Goodbye**  
Fandom: **CSI:NY**  
Characters: **Danny Messer**  
Prompt: **012#knowing me, knowing you**  
Word Count: **917**  
Rating: **PG, for mention of slash**  
Warnings/Spoilers: **none**  
Summary: **Danny writes a letter to Mac.

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This is Goodbye

_Dear Mac,_

_I've never been good at writing and this is probably the hardest letter I've ever written but I know I have to do it. I know I'm taking the most coward way out of this, but it's for the best. I don't think I would have ever been able to say what I have to say, without backing down, if I had to look at you. But I know you and me both need this and I'm taking the first step because I know you're never going to and it's killing us, little by little._

_We have problems. We've been having problems for so long now that I can't ever remember the time we were both happy. And it hurts, it hurts so much because I know we were happy once and all the good memories have gone away. I have the feeling I've been robbed from something that belonged to me, something I cherished, something that I won't ever be able to find again and you're the robber Mac. You offered me these memories, and now you're taking them back and I feel my heart bleeding._

_I've tried so hard to keep us together. I've tried to solve all of our problems but I can't do it all alone, and you refuses to help me. You're just making them more important and I can't do anything about it anymore. How am I supposed to make things right when you don't want them to be. We need to be two in this relationship and I find myself on my own. It's not possible to continue like this, even for me._

_I wanted us to be alright again. I fooled myself into believing everything would be okay, that all we needed to make the situation better was time… and maybe it's all we need but we don't have time anymore, I don't have time anymore because it has become unbearable and that I can't stand it anymore. We can't go on like this and, since you don't seem to be keen on changing, I guess I'm the one who has to._

_I never wanted it to end like this but it's the only solution I can see. We are living a lie and you know it. Maybe it works for you but not for me. It's not possible anymore. It destroy me little be little and I know that, even if you don't acknowledge it, it's the same for you. What I don't understand it's why you're too stubborn to admit something is wrong. I don't understand how you can go on hurting me like this, by pretending everything is okay, by pretending nothing has changed._

_Maybe you won't understand why I've chose to do this but I know you and I know myself and it's the best for both of us. I was just hoping it would not go that far, that everything would be back as it was before. But there is no chance now. So, I'm doing what's the best for us. What's the best for me, I guess, even if it's killing me to do it._

_I decided to go away. Don't know where, yet, but I'm confident I'll find a place to start a new life. After all, maybe if I live New York, it will be easier. I'm sure I'll find a town where they need a CSI. With all the crime we have in the States, I'm sure it won't be that difficult. I know you never wanted me out of your life altogether, even if your actions have made it perfectly clear you wanted me out of your love life, but it's the only way for me to find some closure. Don't try to stop me, please, even if I know you won't._

_I still love you, Mac, and I had to say it because I don't want you to believe what I'm doing is easy for me, but I know you don't feel the same anymore. These past months have proved it. Your behaviour towards me has changed and, even if I know you're still my friend, you're not my lover anymore. You're just pretending and I can't stand it._

_I hope you'll be happy with Lindsay. I know you love her, it's so obvious for anyone who know you. Really, Mac, I hope you'll be happy with her, because you deserve it and she does to. I don't have any hard feeling towards you for falling in love with her because I know if I hadn't been so in love with you I would have. And I don't have any hard feeling towards her because it's not her fault we are where we are today. So tell her, Mac. Now that I'm not here anymore, tell her how you feel, I was the only thing preventing you from doing so._

_I don't think we will see each other again, because I'll already have left when you'll read this letter, but I won't say I'm sure. After all, I'm still a CSI and maybe we'll have to work together again. I don't this so, but it's not impossible. I would not mind, through, you're the best CSI I've even know and a great boss._

_So, I guess this is where my letter ends. I don't know what to say anymore beside that I still love you and hope you'll be happy. Good bye Mac, I'll never forget you but, maybe, I can't go over you._

_Danny Messer_


End file.
